The New Euro English to be learnt: Urgent for foreign travellers to know
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
 will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
 plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

 Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troub lesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords  kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, v
e vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze  forst plas

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

The art of Zen Judaism

The ten most important thoughts for ending 2007

10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital
dying of nothing.
4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred big ones and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty pennies?
 2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world
 is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in our own country, but we haven't a clue as to
where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

Jeez! I must be getting old. I met Billy Connolly once, well I was having a shower  and he burst into the shower, whipped open the curtain and asked for an autograph for his kids. I told him I would sign it with whatever I had in my hand at the time. He declined.  I was in a show and he was in the audience. (I used to be a part time make up artist for film and Stage. Even wrote a best selling book.That was before  I caught ageitis and could no longer  see where the hell I was applying the slap). Anyway, Billy told his  kids to shout at him if he started to moan when bending , getting up from a chair or scratching his arse. Where did it all go wrong for us old farts?

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

As we get older we are outliving our enthusiasm for life sometimes. Have we done everything? Probably not. Have we seen everything? Probably not. Its just that we cant be bothered. Life is a constant round of , "Oh dear that was  very sore crap I had just now" or "my legs are tired"

So your respective spouses have departed this mortal coil ( what the heck kinda coil are we talking about here?)  You meet someone and like the company of another. You hate being on your own so in some cases any available good looking balding, liver spotted wrinkle exhibitor will probably do. Thinking of getting married at 75 plus? Well think about what you need as opposed to what you want for presents.
 

Scenario:
 Jacob, age 92, and Mathilda, age 89, living in Florida, are all
excited  about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you
 the owner?"
 
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
 
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
 Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
 Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
 Pharmacist: "All kinds."
 Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
 Pharmacist: "Definitely."
 Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

 Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob; "Do you have massage machines and nappies"
 Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "OK then. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

A thought or two for my soul mates:


If you were born after 1975, this does not apply to you...........

I seem to be getting older and more thoughtful about times past and compare that to today.
A sure sign on becoming fossilised.

Are children of today wrapped in cotton wool?

If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's
hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Our
cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, bleach bottles, doors,
or cupboards, when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
No mobile phones.

Michael Jackson was normal and Tony Curtis's hair ruled, although our hair, when we had it, was solid grease; as were our steel combs.

As kids we swung from trees and went swimming in rivers, explored gardens for fruit and sometimes got caught or were chased. We showed someone of the opposite sex ours if they showed us theirs. We still liked Michael Jackson. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned
to get over it. We crowded into the pictures to watch Steve Reeves pec muscles which for some reason fascinated us. We all thought that they had a life of their own. They did. After he died they had to beat them to death with a stick.

We all remember where we were when Kennedy was shot. Kids today don't seem to be interested.

We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never
overweight....... we were always outside playing. We shared one drink
with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this. Mint Juleps was something that non Americans had not about clue other than Burl Ives seemed to thrive on them. We then probably preferred Frank, Little Richard or Elvis by then anyway.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 600 channels on pay or cable TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal stereo's, mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms .... we had friends, mates, buddies and pals.

We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Teachers lifted us up in sports class or on the field if we fell down or gave is a hug if we cried and we always knew someone that we could go and get a bit of bread and jam when Mum was shopping, at the neighbours or working. We got home early from school and went out to play avoiding homework much of the time until we had to do it. We kept frogs in our pockets if we were boys and hated boys if we were girls. Well until they showed us theirs that is. My friend, Alan's Mum always made me empty my pockets before I came in the house though in case I had the odd cobra or alligator stuffed down inside my pants. As I got older I found that to be beneficial.. Better than socks as it was real life animation. Was really good though when we showed the girls ours.

Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian - how did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms, sometimes shit our pants cos' we were too busy playing or perhaps could not tell a fart from a crap if we lit them with a match, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Footy , rounders-baseball and netball had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

Some pupils weren't as smart as others so they failed an exam and were held back to repeat the same year. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law - imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And if you're one of them and survived, congratulations!

Communication for visitors

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with English-speaking tourists. Sometimes it works and other times it does not work in the way that it is supposed to work. In the case of signs and notices, perhaps they do not have enough knowledge of the language to make their warnings as full as they wished then to be.

I remember driving over a desert road in Botswana in Africa on my way to Gaberones. It was hot inside the car but if we opened the windows the sand would blow in and we would choke. There was no air conditioning and we just wanted to get to where we were going as fast as possible. I was driving at around 70 mph in order to plane over the sand or I would sink in as the road was soft with fresh blown sand.

I came across a sign that said ‘Deadly Danger’. Not a clue as to what that danger was though.

A bit further and another sign said ‘Deadly Deadly Danger’ but still no explanation. 

The road looked clear apart from a few bumps. Sand being sand, there was not a lot of contrast. So I hurtled on at my chosen speed and suddenly a dip in the road proved to be an almost vertical decent into a gorge. The road went straight down and at the bottom was a narrow river and a rickety bridge. In flying along at 70 mph I had no chance of stopping so I flew down the sheer drop, crashed over the rickety bridge and careered up the other side of the ravine.

I stopped at the top of the opposite side where there was a new sign, ‘Deadly Danger Now Passed-Thank you’.  No one said a thing. Tanned faces were white and in one case a delicate shade of pale green.

Trouble was, with three other guys in the car, the resulting discoloration of the car seats and the subsequent scent made that ride to Gaberones all that more difficult and , unfortunately, extremely memorable

What speak English do you?

Many use the knowledge of the language that they believe they have while nowadays other use translation software. Some are beyond understanding while others are made of the stuff that we all need now and again -laughter.  Here is a list of genuine signs seen around the world.

I got this one from The Pulkovo Airlines magazine on a recent trip to St Petersburg in Russia.

Ø       To avoid pressure affecting your head when we land. Pinch your nose, close your mouth and expire.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

Ø       WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

      Cocktail lounge, Norway:

Ø       LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE  BAR

At a Budapest zoo:

Ø       PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's Office, Rome:

Ø        SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco:

Ø       THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

Information booklet on using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

Ø       WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVES IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

Ø       TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:

Ø       CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

On the grounds of a private school:

Ø       NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION

On Athi River Highway:

Ø       TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE

On a poster at Kencom:

Ø       ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

       In a city restaurant:

Ø       OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

On one of the Mathare buildings:

Ø       MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE

In a cemetery:

Ø       PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

Ø       GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Ø       OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

In a Bangkok temple:

Ø        IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

Ø       PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:

Ø       THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:

Ø       PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

Ø       THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:

Ø        YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

Ø       FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Hotel, Zurich:

Ø       BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome:

Ø        LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

Ø       TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY
TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

Ø       WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

Ø       GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 

The tale of ten puns

1. Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons to snack on. The stewardess takes one look at the
birds and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
 
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser
... of two weevils.
 
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
 
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar, looks around slowly, and growls:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
 
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse and hold their meeting
elsewhere. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer."
 
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "Hey,
they're twins! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
8. These friars fell behind on their monastery payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to make ends meet. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good city fathers to close them down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close,
for the good of his business. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so at once, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
 
9. Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. So did this make him
a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis ?
 
10. And finally, as we reach the end, there was a man who
sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make his friends laugh.
 

(Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)
 

Craig on Philosophy:

If the branch broke it was going to do so anyway

If the tree dies when you are a beginner, read a book.

You do not need to buy that tree but you really want that tree. So what's the difference then?

A happy spouse.

home